Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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