Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I touched a dick in church today
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
