Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
