there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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