The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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