I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
