my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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