Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
