Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
