I need to stop coming to work sober
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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