i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
