i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
