I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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