the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
