My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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