I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
