One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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