someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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