WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
