so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
