you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
