if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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