after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
