She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
