I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
