just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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