so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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