please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
