so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
