Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
