Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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