so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
