I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize