I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
