Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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