I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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