Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
