It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
