mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
