Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
