i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Don't make out with my wife yet
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
