Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
