So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
