I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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