I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
