and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
