I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Pooping to opera.
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