Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize