im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
