You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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