I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
