I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So drunk its hurt
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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