apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
