I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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