Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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