I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
