after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
