My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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