Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
